I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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