I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
