Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
