how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
