we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
