I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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