he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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