when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
