Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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