Already got asked if we're dating
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
