My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
