Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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