i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
