So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
