Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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