I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize