Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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