god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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