break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
