you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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