just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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