i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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