I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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