im holly from the hills drunk
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
