I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
