Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
