I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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