You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
