yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Randomize
