Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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