remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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