Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
