You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
