I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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