Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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