Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
