So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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