Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
