Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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