I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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