I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
