Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
