so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
