He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
