just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
