I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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