I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hippo gnu deer
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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