you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
How external is "for external use only"?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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