I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
