The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
