I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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