i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize