My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
