what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
