Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
