I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He shit in the fireplace
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
