No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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