all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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