so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
