Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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