My first STD was from a foam party
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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