chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
