I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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