I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I will be naked everywhere
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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