Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
