So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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