I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hippo gnu deer
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
