Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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